Just Keep Swimming

I smoke cigarettes, 

I drink hard liquor, 

I paint my face, 

Everyday one step closer

To the Unknown, 

To Happy. 

:’)

dear c, 

i’m sitting here listening to sad songs and all i can think about is how i’ve fallen into something deep. it’s not love, i have been in love and i know that this isn’t it, but you heart is what my heart seems to ache for. 

the kind of love i yearn for i think can only be found in movies or maybe even only in my head. it scares me to think that maybe you aren’t the heart i need. but truthfully, it scare me more the think that you are. we are from different worlds, you have never felt the struggles of self hate, the pain of anxiety or the physical pain that depression brings. those are things i still struggle with and i don’t think that you would ever truly be able to deal with largeness of that. and the thing is that i never would want you to. 

life has been good with you around though, c. you have made me laugh, smile, cry, live, and most importantly pray. you have helped me to grow with god and that is something i know wouldn’t have happened without you. 

i find myself saying more things here that aren’t exactly what i want. so i guess i’ll just go right ahead: you have helped to open my eyes to more than just laughs and smiles but you encouraged me to work on myself, to love myself first and for that, i will be eternally grateful. 

i do love you, in how many ways, that is still to be determined, but that is what life is for. 

forever yours, 

a

God. What a grand idea He is, or is He a She? Guess I won’t know until I’m dead though, right? I am a scientific person, I need tangable facts but I love God. In this one case I am able to put aside all reason, all want for physical proof and I am able to have faith, that there is some type of higher power. I am not a Christian, I am not a Jew, I am not a Muslim, or a Buddhist or a Hindu or a Paegon, but what I know is that there is a reason. A reason that we all function together like we do, why, as a whole human race we are here. Individually we are like a grain of sand on a beach that spreads on for what seems like inifinty, and when we focus in only ourelves, we can do nothing, our lives are only as long as we breathe and we leave behind few things. But when we work through our lives to make the lives around us better, then you make a difference. So, imagine a world where all of us focus on making the human lives that are not our own better— we serve our purpose. Because no matter how much money you had, how many cars, or houses or THINGS, you won’t truly accomplish anything in the eyes if God if you don’t share your welth and happiness.

God. I saw him and thought nothing more. But then he opened his mouth and I was his. His voice like that of the feeling of home. Safety and warmth like apple pie on the Fourth of July. and it was so unexpected. So random but I found my heart in another human being, perfectly flawed and kind and hopefully one day mine. But until that day what I’m going to do is take in every last word, every last breathe with you as your friend because if you can’t be mine I still want to be yours, because I love the scar on your eyebrow, the way your laugh infects the inside of my heart with happiness, how I hang on every last word you speak, and how you make me believe that maybe one day, someone could treat me right, because according to you, I’m worth that. And maybe one day you’ll tell you want me the same way and maybe one day you won’t but it’s okay because either way, i know I have something special in you, as a friend and hopefully one day a lover. And maybe you’ll see this and know it’s you or maybe you’ll never see it or if u do, not realize it, but if you do, just know you’ve opened my eyes to the possibilities for myself that I could never see before and for that I am forever grateful.